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Have an overwhelming sense of being a leaf drifting aimlessly about a pond ... no purpose ... no direction.� A few years shy of 50 and nothing to show materially or spiritually in the way of fruit for the thousands of hours of labor and effort.� Never thought in terms of whether or not my life would leave a mark but feeling more and more often the utter meaninglessness of my existence.� Cannot point to a soul changed by my influence towards being used of God nor can I point to the far less important success in the esteem of men or the accumulation of wealth.� Friends are few, distant and seen at best once a year.� I still struggle day to day, and fail, just to manage to pay the bills.� My home is not even maximized for what it is but rather is a mess, an eye sore, an embarassment.� Worthless seems to be a word which describes and encompasses all that I am and do and possess.� I marvel each day that God even allows me to waste the air I breathe.� Many years back I made a conscious choice to ask that when my life reached a point at which it was without positive value that in mercy He would take me home.� Seeing, through my eyes at least, virtually no positive impact on anyone or anything I wonder if there is something I do not see or if there is some tremendous reversal of this misfortune yet to come for which I am being preserved.� All too often I echo those words of Solomon's despair "all is vanity and vexation of spirit".

We must live , life is too precious to give away.

This fire that egnited in my heart has been burning for so long. With out anything to feed on it is burning out and I can feel it. Left for so long I am begining to move on. But a part of me doesn not want to. I still know how I feel but it's been years without true words. Something is going to happen to me if I am not stopped. But I am afraid it may be too late. If someone else throws more fire wood it will catch on fire.�Then I will be realy on someone else's apearance.�I rather not, but It's not alway up to me.�

LIFE SUCKS!!! what am i supposed to do!!!�i am stressed about school, i am getting no hours at work!!!� my relationship is getting out of control and i am so depressed!!� i have made so many bad decissions in my life and i cant handle this crap any more... i think i am going to put my relationship on hold... so that i can get myself to a better state of mind and turn my life around�and�do whats right for me!!! i am so thankful for the support from my family and friends and them putting up with my mood swings and drama!!

Can't bring myself to go home....

I just can't face it. I think mainly it's fear. I'm not angry, just wounded and feeling hopeless and helpless.�I feel despair and sadness. Grief. Another part of me doesn't care anymore. I'm beyond caring.

Home is�a place where I am threatened. My sanity is threatened. I am reduced to something without dignity, something without significance or value. I am afraid of wife, because she's unpredictable. I've always handled weapons from a young age. I'm not afraid of guns, because although as�a hunter I know they're deadly, I have learned gun safety. Guns are totally predictable and in the 25 years I've been shooting I have never been involved in or witnessed an accident with a gun.

My wife though could fire any moment, without any notice and wound me more painfully than being shot. Should I go home and risk it? It will happen again. What will happen if I go over the edge? Will I lose my sanity? Will I have a total mental breakdown? I don't know. That's scary, the fact that I don't know.

I don't think she takes much responsibliity. She's always said she's pretty well perfect, so it's up to me. Well if it's up to me and I need to care for myself, then I shouldn't go home. I guess they'll be fine without me. Don't know what to do. Where do I go? It's hard to know what to do. I don't know where to turn to, or who to talk to. I need to sleep.

I havn't posted anything in a while.

Alot has changed.

1. I'm completly && totally in love.

2. I've known this guy for 4 years, so stfu about being to young to be in love. (i'll tell you more about him when i have more time to write.)

3. I'm still having the same weird feelings that i was having in my last posts.

4. I'm getting increasingly better at the piano.

5. I got a kick ass camera. <3

6. Writing has become a huge part of my life, i'll post some of my quotes/sayings/poems at the bottom of this entry...

7. There is way to much stuff on my mind to number it all.

001.

i wish i would've died in your arms the
last time we were together. so i wouldn't
have to wake without you today

002.

but the most important thing is,
even if we're apart,
i'll always be with you

003.

You know you’ve read a good book
when you turn the last page
and feel as if you’ve lost a friend

004.

You're in a car with a beautiful boy,
and he won't tell you that he loves you.
And you feel like you've done something terrible,
like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills,
or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt,
and you're tired.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy,
and you're trying not to tell him that you love him,
and you're trying to choke down the feeling,
and you're trembling,
but he reaches over and he touches you,
like a prayer for which no words exist,
and you feel your heart taking root in your body,
like you've discovered something
you don't even have a name for

^^my favorite^^

005.

You have a choice. Live or die.
Every breath is a choice. Every minute
is a choice. Every time you don't throw
yourself down the stairs, that's a choice.
Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist

006.

Most days from the moment i wake to when i go to sleep at night....im unhappy. When i met you, all that changed

007.

And id rather be outside in the freezing rain with you
than to be warm in the arms of someone else.

008.

I�guess what i like best about you is how you
can make me laugh even when nothing's funny.

I think tonight while driving, I figured out what's wrong with me. I was driving along and realised I'm afraid of wife. Not afraid of her harming me, but afraid of what she can do to me emotionally. You see, she is able to make me feel so worthless that I want to die, and that's something to be feared. Then I thought, how is it that she can make me feel so worthless, just by being angry with me.... Then I realised.

The thing is, that i have a bit of a performance identity. That means, my performance = my self worth/significance/value. I've recognised that in my work place and I'm trying to deal with it, but in my marriage, I've always wanted to be the best husband I could be and try and please my wife.

I've always been told that the husband's role is to nurture his wife and that she is a reflection of his love. Wife however has told me ever since we have been married that I don't meet her needs, that she doesn't feel loved by me and that I am below normal as a man.

So somehow, I think I must have made it my life's mission to be the man, to love her like she deserves and meet her needs. And whenever she really gets angry with me and I can't seem to fix it, I feel totally worthless. Because I realise that my performance is so utterly pathetic as a husband and having given it my all, and tried my hardest to improve and change and be everything she wants me to be, I still fail so badly. That's when I feel the lowest. That's when I feel like scum. Like a piece of shit.

Then I start thinking thoughts about quitting, dying, suicidal stuff. I can't do anything. Even the things I love I have no motivation for. I'm a passionate trout fisherman and tonight I pulled up on the bank of a lagoon and watched fish feeding right near the shore and I had all my rods and gear in the back and didn't even bother to put a food out of the cab. I just want to curl up and make the world go away.

I have no motivation for living. I feel empty, hollow, drained, despair. I am nothing. I have given my all, and have nothing left. And I"ve failed. For me, because my identity is linked with my performance, and my performance is pathetic, then I am worthless.

That's why I can't go home. I'm too afraid. I'm only just hanging on. If I go any lower, I might die.

How do I break this? Maybe I just am worthless...